Not Done Yet
by joanna77
Summary: After a shooting and with the coming anniversary of Rosslyn, Josh feels he is losing it so he calls Stanley. Set in the second term of the Santos Administration. It's a sad piece, proceed with caution. Please read and review.


Josh stepped into the room, musing about old times. He clearly remembered the day when Leo sent him here on that otherwise long-forgotten morning of Christmas Eve. This time it was he who sent for the shrinks. Right after speaking to President Santos.

"Hello, Josh," a familiar voice greeted him.

"Hi, Stanley. Long time no see," Josh said.

"Did you miss me?" Stanley quipped back.

"Not a minute," Josh was ready with the answer immediately.

"I thought so. Okay, Josh. What brought me here?" Stanley asked him.

"I think you know that. You have already talked to my deputy," Josh pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's not the way it works, and you know that," Stanley said, looking Josh in the eye.

"Yeah, I know that," Josh agreed.

"So, what happened?" Stanley pressed on.

"When?" Josh asked back.

"Yesterday."

"A lot of things happened yesterday, Stanley. This is the White House and you know that we busy ourselves with running the country," Josh said with a mocking undertone.

"Name some things that happened yesterday," Stanley said, his undertone indicating that he was in no mood for Josh' crap.

"Okay, I obviously woke up. It was quite early in the morning, but I didn't mind," Josh admitted.

"Why not?" Stanley asked back when he saw that Josh didn't plan to continue.

"I wanted to watch the sunrise," Josh said in almost whisper.

"And did you watch the sunrise?"

"Well, no," Josh shook his head. "I don't like to do it alone."

_Josh stood on the stoop and looked eastwards. The sky was beginning to display some interesting shades of colors. He brought his mug to his mouth absent-mindedly. Part of him wanted to watch the sunrise, part of him wanted to enjoy the relative calm of the spring morning. But the other part was screaming pretty loud in protest. And Josh chose to stop the screaming so he returned to the house. He went into the kitchen, drowned the rest of his coffee in one gulp and was putting his mug into the kitchen sink when he heard the noises._

"Anyways, I drank my coffee in the kitchen and then the kids woke up," Josh said after he snapped out of the memory. "I have twins, Naomi and Leo," Josh said.

"Yeah, I knew that," Stanley told him. "What happened then?"

"We dressed and then went to the daycare place," Josh told him.

"How old are they?"

"I thought you know them," Josh said.

"Yeah, but you know, I'm trying to give you some credit. You could show me that you know how old they are," Stanley shot back.

"Well, they are my kids, so of course I know how old they are. They are four, their birthday was a few weeks ago," Josh said.

"Okay, what happened?"

"You mean at the daycare?" Josh asked back and Stanley nodded. "Well, we changed shoes and that's when they started to cry. But I knew they would."

"Why?" Stanley asked again when Josh stopped speaking.

"Donna told me they would. When we first went to scout out the place she told me that the place was perfect, but that the twins are going to cry or throw a tantrum on the first day," Josh told Stanley. "And that we should be very gentle, very patient but very firm with them," he added in an impassionate voice.

_They stepped out of the daycare room and Josh saw that Donna was excited. He knew that after several tries they finally found the place. Donna would be ready to let go of the twins if she knew that they would be here. Josh himself liked the place pretty much, the teachers were nice and the place was bright. He looked at Donna and they exchanged a meaningful glace. Josh liked how they would know each other thoughts without ever uttering a word. He nodded and Donna threw herself at him. Josh planted a light kiss at her mouth and then threw her a quizzical look when he noticed Donna's furrowed brow. _

"Why did she say that?"

"What?" Josh asked back perplexed, just returning from the memory.

"I asked, why did she say that?" Stanley repeated the question.

"Oh, it was directed at me," Josh said with a half smile but then his face got dark again.

"Okay, what happened then?" Stanley asked, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

"They didn't want to stop crying," Josh continued. "No matter what I said, no matter what I promised they didn't want to stop."

"And?"

"Then I came to West Wing. I had several important meetings that day," Josh said.

"Okay, Josh, I think we skipped here something. What happened at the daycare?" Stanley asked.

"Well, I was getting impatient and kept stealing glances at my watch. Then I felt guilty. But I know you don't want to speak about my feelings," Josh said.

"Not my biggest concern right now, no," Stanley said. "You were angry?" he asked then.

"I thought we didn't want to speak about my feelings," Josh said with a brief grin. "Yeah, I was angry," he admitted then.

"At the kids?"

"Yeah, I couldn't understand why they didn't want to go in. I mean we had already been there, they had spent two hours there as a preparation. We talked about the daycare, they were excited about the new kids, and now they just stood there crying and didn't want to stay," Josh recalled.

_Josh felt the anger rising and took deep breaths to calm himself down. He knew that he shouldn't be so angry, he knew that this was a natural expression of the kids' fear of being left alone but he knew that he should already be at work. He looked down at the crying kids and told them in an impassionate voice that they would stay here, no matter how hard they cried, no matter how long they cried. He wasn't exactly proud of himself when he heard his own cold voice, he knew that Donna didn't mean _that_ when she said _'firm'

"Did you shout at them?" Stanley asked then.

"No, I never shout at my kids. I raise my voice sometimes, but I never shout at them," Josh said and both he and Stanley remembered that session a long time ago, so Josh added, "And no, I wouldn't lie about that, Stanley. I didn't raise my voice and I didn't shout at them."

"Why didn't you shout at them?" Stanley asked.

"Mrs. Tobin, their teacher came for them and I left for the West Wing," Josh said.

* * *

"Okay, you told me there were several important meetings on that day," Stanley said.

"Yeah, there was a National Security Briefing and a Senior Staff meeting to begin with," Josh said.

"What about them?" Stanley asked.

"I think I was the silent nut during those," Josh admitted.

"You were boiling," Stanley stated more than asked.

"Yeah, everything was going downhill, you already know about the situation in Indonesia, and we were fighting for a gun-control bill. We were trying to shore up votes but after three weeks of negotiations we were nowhere," Josh admitted.

"And then came the meetings," Stanley said.

"Yeah, my friend and I, I mean my deputy and I…" Josh corrected himself fast, but Stanley interrupted him.

"I don't care for titles, Josh, but let me get this straight. Is Sam Seaborn your friend or your deputy?"

"Both," Josh said.

"Okay. Let's say Sam would come in and you would introduce him, what would you say? _This is my friend, Sam Seaborn_ or _this is my deputy, Sam Seaborn_?"

"To you?" Josh asked back.

"Pardon me?" Stanley asked back perplexed.

"I would introduce him to you?" Josh clarified.

"Yes," Stanley suddenly understood the question.

"I would say: _This is my friend Sam Seaborn. He is the White House Deputy Chief of Staff,_" Josh said.

"Why?" Stanley asked back.

"Okay, Stanley, I know that this is going to come as a shock, but this is like the fifteenth time you asked why," Josh said in a deadpan voice.

"Just answer the question, Josh."

"You are not a politician so I would introduce him as my friend. But I guess the why concerned the second part. Yes, I would add that he was the Deputy Chief of Staff because I'm proud of him."

"Okay, so you and Sam were…?" Stanley picked up the thread.

"Yeah, we had meetings with senators. We were trying to convince them that banning several guns would be a good idea," Josh said mockingly.

"What kind of guns?" Stanley asked.

"Pardon me?" Josh asked taken aback.

"What kind of guns? Or is that information not public?" Stanley asked back.

"Stanley, the _Washington Post_ wrote about the bill, the _New York Times_ wrote about the bill, I'm pretty sure that the _Los Angeles Times_ did too," Josh said, flashing a brief grin at Stanley.

"What guns, Josh?" Stanley pressed on.

"Semi-automatic guns like the Beretta92F or the AR15 or the P32," Josh said.

"Or the P11," Stanley added.

"Or that," Josh agreed and then looked into Stanley's eyes. His vision was blurred but he still saw that Stanley's face was solemn. "Or that," he repeated, almost choking on the words.

"Okay, Josh," Stanley said softly. "What happened then?"

"_High Noon_ in the Deputy Chief of Staff's office," Josh said with a bitter chuckle.

_Josh stepped into his old office, memories flooding his brain. He tried to collect himself by shaking his head, focusing on Sam who was on the phone. Josh knew that the phone conversation was important; nonetheless he was angry that Sam didn't hang up when he came in. He was still boiling when Sam finally said his goodbyes and put down the receiver. And then the _Southing Match_ opened. It began with a very considerate Sam, sounding far too gentle. Far too gentle to pick a fight with. And Josh came to pick a fight. So he accused Sam of being far too gentle on their opponents, far too mild and far too moderate. When Sam pointed out that the three almost meant the same, Josh exploded. _

"A Shouting Match?" Stanley asked and Josh realized that he must have said something during his trip down memory lane.

"Yeah, a Shouting Match. We shouted ourselves hoarse and then I left his office," Josh recalled.

"Right, what happened then?"

"I went into the bullpen, I wanted to tell his assistant to go in there and look after him. And I swear to God, Stanley, if you ask me why I'll throw this cup at you."

"Okay, I won't ask why if you tell me why," Stanley retorted.

"He was my friend, I was an ass, I wasn't ready to apologize but I didn't want him to be upset," Josh said.

"Very considerate of you," Stanley remarked.

"Okay, we both know that I'm not that considerate," Josh confessed. "I didn't go into the bullpen. At least, I didn't intend to. But then I saw the desk of Sam's assistant, full of files and there was a hand lotion and yogurt. She wasn't there," Josh recounted. "I wanted to leave a note for her that she should take care of Sam because I know that that's what Sam told Donna every time we had a fight. And I always felt better when Donna took care of me."

"I see. So you left a note for Sam's assistant," Stanley picked up the thread again.

"Ryanne," Josh said with a nod. "I couldn't finish it though."

"Why not?" Stanley asked and was rewarded with a glare from Josh.

"Donna appeared out of nowhere," Josh whispered and hung his head. "She had that face again."

"What kind of face?" Stanley asked Josh in a gentle voice.

_Josh looked at her face. She looked sad and she wore that face, that face that always made him feel guilt. The face she gave him when he didn't live up to her expectations. At least, that's how he always interpreted it when he knew that he didn't feel up to her expectations. She just stood there, next to Ryanne's desk, and Josh found himself rambling about the morning and how he almost shouted at the twins and how he hurt Sam just moments before. _

"What kind of face, Josh?" Stanley repeated the question.

"Her face. She always said it was her regular face, but that face always made me feel guilt," Josh explained. "She didn't say anything," he added in a whisper and finally was able to look Stanley in the eye.

"What did you say?" Stanley asked.

"I told her about this morning and then I shouted at her because she pulled that face again," Josh admitted.

"You shouted at her?" Stanley asked back.

"Yes, I did," Josh whispered. "Yes, I did," he repeated then defiantly. "Then Sam came out of his office and Donna left me. Again. Yes, I did shout at her. I shouted at everybody yesterday," Josh added.

"You didn't shout at your kids, Josh," Stanley reminded him, picking up a thread that Josh hoped the psychiatrist already forgot about.

"No, I didn't. Nor did I kiss or hug them," he admitted then in a low voice, his eyes teary again.

"Why not?" Stanley asked and this time Josh only laughed bitterly.

"I would have lost it," he confessed.

"Lost it?" Stanley asked back.

"My mind, Stanley. I would have lost my mind. You don't know my kids, those eyes. They both have those eyes," Josh choked on his words.

"Donna's eyes," Stanley helped him out.

"Yes. They make me feel guilty. I would have lost it. I would have lost it in front of them. I can't do that. I can lose my temper, I can raise my voice to them, I can make them cry, but I cannot lose it. I have to be there for them, I have to be strong for them. They only have me," he added in a whisper.

"And why is that, Josh?" Stanley asked gently.

"Because Donna is dead. She was shot with a P11," Josh said, his voice hoarse, his tears falling on his clasped hands. He clasped them so tight together that his knuckles were white.

"That's right, Josh. She is dead," Stanley repeated.

"So I didn't talk to her in the bullpen," Josh said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"No, Josh, you didn't," Stanley responded.

"What's wrong with me, Stanley?" Josh asked the psychiatrist. "I'm losing it, aren't I?"

"No, Josh. I don't think so," Stanley said. "I think, however, that you didn't leave yourself enough time for mourning her death. I also think that you feel guilty about being alive. Don't do that, it's not good for your mental health."

"I shouldn't feel guilty?" Josh asked, his anger arising again. "But Stanley! She was so much younger than me!"

"It was her time to go, Josh. You have to accept that," Stanley told the younger man.

"She was the better parent," Josh admitted in a whisper. "It would be better for the kids if she would be alive and I would be dead."

"Josh, your kids are lucky enough that you were not there when they shot at the President and the First Lady," Stanley said.

"I wasn't there because I talked myself out of the fundraiser. I came up with some ridiculous meeting and…" Josh began but he wasn't able to finish the sentence.

"Josh, you weren't there and that's why your kids still have their father. I would think that Donna was relieved when she thought about that," Stanley said, speaking as a friend for the first time.

"Yeah, I could imagine that," Josh said with a sad smile playing on his lips. "I miss her. I feel I can't go on without her."

"I know, Josh. But you know what they say," Stanley reminded him.

"Yeah," Josh said with a nod. "We get better. I have nightmares about the shooting at Rosslyn," he admitted then.

"But you are not surprised about this fact, right, Josh?" Stanley asked him.

"No, I'm not. I have other kind of dreams, too," Josh confessed. "But I know you have to go now, so I will fax them to you," he added and for the first time his smile reached his eyes too.

"Do that, Josh. And I will tell the President that you need three days off," Stanley said, picking up his attaché case.

"One," Josh protested.

"Two," Stanley gave in and they shared a smile. "I'm sorry about Donna, Josh," he told him then sincerely.

"I got your telegram," Josh said with a nod. "Thank you for coming, Stanley,"

"Good bye, Josh," Stanley said and left the room.

* * *

Josh took a last look around and then decided to look for Sam. He owed him an apology. But first he had to go to the Oval Office.

"Come in," he heard Matt Santos' voice when he knocked at the door that connected his office and the President's.

"It's me, sir" Josh announced and Matt looked up at him. "I would like you to give me back the letter, sir."

"Is everything alright?" Matt asked, pulling out the top drawer.

"It will be," Josh reassured him. "You didn't read it, did you?" he asked unsurely.

"Well, no. Although it was addressed to me," Matt said with a slight smile. "But I'll show you what I did," he said and pulled out four pieces of paper. He laid it out on the desk, and Josh stared down at the ragged edges of the torn pieces.

"You destroyed my letter without reading it?" Josh asked incredulously.

"Josh, I didn't read it but I knew what was in it," Matt told him. "And under no circumstance will I accept your resignation. We are not done yet."

"Yes, sir," Josh said and turned, wanting to leave the room. "Dr. Keyworth will tell you this, but we agreed on two days off."

"Not three?" Matt asked back with a chuckle.

"He already called," Josh stated with a sigh. "Two days, sir."

"Okay, Josh. But then you'll climb back into the saddle," Matt asked him.

"Definitely, sir, definitely. How is the First Lady?" he asked then, his hand already on the doorknob.

"She is complaining about the cast. And I asked Stanley to talk to her too," Matt Santos admitted.

Josh nodded and left the Oval Office. He directed his steps to his old office to apologize to Sam and to invite him over to dinner. He knew how the kids liked their Uncle Sam.

THE END


End file.
